JOKES!!!!!!!!

[Nightstalker]

Hey guys ... I was just thinking I would bring a section where .. Well I know everyone has been a little edgy lately with everything going on and with the server being loaded with new aholes lately so this should cheer you up. If you dont find this funny 1 you are dead .. 2 dont pollute this topic with what you think is funny because its not. Here ya go.

Texas Chili Contest

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest as I just drove in last night from up North. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.(So would I says Nightstalker )" Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........

.... I read this everyonce in a while and man i get a good laugh out of it. The first time I had tears ROLLING down my face. Hope yall enjoyed Now try to top it BUT remember .... There are some kids that read this so keep it within the guidleines of the server.

[Grizzly]

OMG, I tried to read this to my wife over the phone but couldn't stop laughing! This is one of the funniest damn jokes I have ever read. Good find, NS!

[Ready-FIRE-Aim]

Husband Down!!



A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.
“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can't afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
“So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.”



He never knew what hit him.

[Specialist]

Good one Jack, made me chuckle.

[c0loNeL]

A 5-YEAR OLD'S FIRST JOB!

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we can all make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of the day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"O goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again next week too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f-ing drywall......

Kind of brings a tear to the eye....doesn't it?

[Nightstalker]

... Thats some funny S right there.

[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

An island and the letter "T" have something in common. What is it?

[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

LOL...It took me awhile for Kates "shot in the face" to kick in....duh.

My riddle answer is there both in the middle of "wa T er"

[Nightstalker]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I put this in my first post for a reason

Hey guys ... I was just thinking I would bring a section where .. Well I know everyone has been a little edgy lately with everything going on and with the server being loaded with new aholes lately so this should cheer you up. If you dont find this funny 1 you are dead .. 2 dont pollute this topic with what you think is funny because its not. Here ya go.

[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

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[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

Here NS this should work in your favor, enjoy.


Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten Air Force Officers and one Sergeant. Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others.

They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the Sergeant said he would let go of the rope since Sergeants are used to doing everything for the Air Force. They forsake their family, don’t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return.

When he finished his moving speech all the Air Force Officers began to clap…

Moral: Never underestimate the powers of a Sergeant.

[Ready-FIRE-Aim]

Sides hurting X2!

[Nightstalker]

How did you know I was a SSgt ... OH and thanks for putting the AF oath up to remind me I was the smart one

[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

NS on one of our earlier topics we compared ranks your E-5 to my impressive E-8

Sorry AIDS, but this was a crack up'


US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

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[Nightstalker]

LOL .... I can't believe you pulled the stripe card .... weak play indeed ....Sarge And if I do say I would bet that YOU would have been the one to compare stripes. I on the other hand have big enough balls and don't need the to get any bigger by talking about my E-5 stripes to any others nor yours ... unfortunately I am being forced to watch Dancing with the Stars right now so I may need to rethink my statement ... ... all daughters if you must know ... went to deep and knocked the balls off.

[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

Dancing with the Stars huh. Even my wife hates that show. I thought only my parents were watching it
Big Balls you say...they must make you walk like you have a broom stick up yer ass..(oops was that a fag reference)

Oh did I mention "E-8" sorry about that

Seargent First Class <<<))
out..

No one caught it. Just checking, E-8 is Master Sgt. I was E-7 SFC

[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

LMFAO...Oh my gos AIDS!! That last one...lol...I'll be laughing everytime Nighty writes something here

That was short lived. Here are some facts Leather Neck:
US Continental Army formed 14, June 1775. Under George Wahington to be ground pounders.

Continental Marines formed 10, November 1775. To conduct shsip to ship fighting and ship board security Your boots didn't hit ground until 1776 in the Bahamas to capture a British ammo dump.

We got ya beat by 6 months and you didn't get dirt in your eyes until the following year. BURN

Semper Fidelis (always faithful...to the Army)
Were still bro's camo all the way. We still have the Air Force to kick around

Just having fun settle down or I'll make a button

[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

RFA says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

RFA said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"

The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

RFA paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said -
"Well, one time I was lost ..."

[Ready-FIRE-Aim]

Ah, there will never be another ewe, Sarge.

btw, I was just helping that sheep across the fence.

As AIDS says, it's all good clean fun, but Sarge if you ever, ever, ever again suggest that I am a West Virginian, I will hunt you down and help you across the fence! You've done gone to meddlin' with that remark.

[Nightstalker]

Oh I am all good ... We all got paid the same according to rank so once again ... flightline or frontline ... I chose flightline for the same pay

There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"

The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."



And this Sarge I think you will like as I am sure you had a couple of Zipper Heads aka Zeros aka Officers that would love to knock the shit out of. THis describes my time in the service quite accurately. There might as well be a B1 bomber in the background on this video.

NSFW (language)

[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

Ha Ha. I saw that one, but it makes me look bad
Great video LMAO! How true it is. That last line "gobble my nuts"

Unfortunately your wrong about the pay poor boy
E-5 6yrs...2620.20...8yrs...2800.50
E-7 6yrs...3249.00...8yrs...3444.60

Remember, I'm retired. I have too much free time on my hands
Army wins again!

http://www.militaryfactory.com/military_pay_scale.asp

[Nightstalker]

Are you really that dumb to think I was compairing E5 pay to E7. ... Sarge apples to apples ... Look at E5 to E5 ... or hell E7 to E7 ya big dummy. Hopefully the wind will blow in you area and refill you head with new air. You have the chance of getting shot I ... well I work on a plane, eat good, sleep in a nice bed, work hard and still get paid the same. LOLOL .. I get tickled at the constant barrage of attacks the AF and the Navy gets from the Marines and Army when in all reality we both knew the pay was the same aside from the combat zone pay and a few others that the Army and Marines would get more often (even though I recieved that at times too when deployed) but we all knew it going in just a personal satisfaction shall we say on what we wanted to do in order to serve our country. Some wanted to work on planes, helos, ships others needed an ego trip and hope they are given the chance to personally kill someone. I on the other had yes I will admit never looked at the thought of getting shot at nor shooting someone as appealing. Call me a pussy, coward what you will ... I promise I am COMPLETELY OK with that LOLOL.

And just to clarify . the AF is not made up of just a bunch of drunk well groomed, well fed, shiney boot wearing pussies like myself ... There are Combat Controllers, Pararescue, and Sarge you may have had some dealings with this guys as they work LIVE and associate themselves directly with the Army even though they wear the AF uniform. It is a group called TACP. Tactical Air Control Party. They are on the frontlines fighting with Army soldiers and calling in air strikes as the battle develops. I have a good friend who is in TACP and even he bitches about how the "regular" AF is ... It will never end.

[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

Oops. I went back and reread your opening line duh my bad. At first glance I did think you said equal pay at our rank. I stand corrected, sir!

Hopefully the wind will blow in you area and refill you head with new air.

I want that finger flip smiley face right here!! And listen here missy. You may joke but I would never call you a pussy or coward, anyone one who serves this country has some balls ok my bitch fag!

TACP good bunch of guys. XOXO

Do go to a pet store to groom all those feathers that just got ruffled? Oh and BTW who wrote this for you. Everything is spelled right.

[Sarge 1/68th Armor]

Nice PM ya retard! LMAO too.

Back to JOKES now.

[Nightstalker]

......Oh and BTW who wrote this for you. Everything is spelled right.

My daughter in 1st grade LOLOL she also told me to put the finger flipping smiley on there too .. just kidding.. .if you want the finger flipping smiley just right click over him and save ... then upload to Photobucket, Imageshack or whatever you use

I almost went to TACP as it sounded fun ... Here is what they told you ... Its a great job where you hang out with the Army but away from the frontlines. Normally you are in an armored humvee with a laser mounted on the top or a shoulder mount. Your job is to designate targets for the jets .. aka painting the target. After I met a couple I found out it was FAR from the truth ... Truth is you have an M4 on your chest M9 on your thigh. Multiple forms of comm, nightvision, etc you get the picture and you are calling in airstrikes while getting shot at. When that is not going on you are going through villages, terrain, etc right with the Army ... I think they original story tellers forgot to mention a few things :shock: .. .and NO they were not the recruiters.